Cooter, MO: Joyous screams rang out today in Washington, D.C. as the NFL and the NFLPA let out of session from mediation. The road to here has been riddled with contractual pot holes and financial road construction, yet members of both sides considered today a 'win-win'.
After mid-morning deliberations, items came to a vote. It was then determined by a unanimous consensus that both sides "thoroughly enjoy Girl Scout cookies". Unfortunately, fistfights broke out and furniture was sent flying when the two sides began talks over which flavor was the best. Tensions escalated when the room was divided into flavor representatives comprising of The Thin Mints, The Caramel Delights, and The Thanks-a-lots. At the time of this release, the fighting was still ongoing and no one appeared to be offering concessions except for Girl Scout Troop #319, which had set up sales in the hallway, offering cookies and lemonade. When asked about the negotiations regarding the inevitable lock-out, NFLPA spokesperson Natrone Fumbels said, "Hell, we've completely forgotten about that!"
We report, we decide. We pretty much took all the stress out of it for you. You're welcome.
Tuesday
Glenn Beck to move to CBS (News Satire)
Bucksnort,TN: In an inexplicably startling move, Glenn Beck spokesperson Glenn Beck announced a myriad of changes to his career. First and foremost, after much backroom deliberation and tedious contract negotiations, Glenn Beck announced Friday that in six months he will replace funnyman and TV game show host Drew Carey on The Price Is Right, CBS's flagship game show. At the time this story broke, Mr. Carey was unavailable for comment but a man sitting on a bench commented that such a move was "without a doubt the dumbest thing I've heard today". The Price Is Right has been considered by many to be the best TV game show in America, and it's definitely the longest-running.
Critics are already up-in-arms over Beck's desire to change the ever-popular phrase "Come on down!" to a more polarizing "Bring your liberal, freeloading, unaware ass on down, to bid on outsourced-produced merchandise made anywhere but here!". This is much to the chagrin of the show's producers, who say such a move will undoubtedly cause advertisers to pull out. Furthermore, Beck plans on eliminating the LCD displays on Contestants Row and all games, to replace them with small chalkboards, reminiscent of his conspiracy-driven show on Fox News.
Adding insult to injury, Beck also wants to change the avatar on the Cliff Hangers game( you know the one, with the mechanical mountain climber, where you yell "stop!" when he's hovering over what you believe to be the price of the prize you're playing for) to a PhotoShop rendition of George Soros, in his never-ending quest to continually alienate the Jewish community.
The producers ultimately shot down Beck's proposal to add Obama's face to the game pieces used in Plinko. Several other changes were dismissed. An anonymous Fox News associate claimed that the network was pleased and had been looking for a way to distance themselves from Beck's never-ending mongering of fear. The associate went on to suggest that if Beck would just return to smoking pot, he might be a lot quieter.
Critics are already up-in-arms over Beck's desire to change the ever-popular phrase "Come on down!" to a more polarizing "Bring your liberal, freeloading, unaware ass on down, to bid on outsourced-produced merchandise made anywhere but here!". This is much to the chagrin of the show's producers, who say such a move will undoubtedly cause advertisers to pull out. Furthermore, Beck plans on eliminating the LCD displays on Contestants Row and all games, to replace them with small chalkboards, reminiscent of his conspiracy-driven show on Fox News.
Adding insult to injury, Beck also wants to change the avatar on the Cliff Hangers game( you know the one, with the mechanical mountain climber, where you yell "stop!" when he's hovering over what you believe to be the price of the prize you're playing for) to a PhotoShop rendition of George Soros, in his never-ending quest to continually alienate the Jewish community.
The producers ultimately shot down Beck's proposal to add Obama's face to the game pieces used in Plinko. Several other changes were dismissed. An anonymous Fox News associate claimed that the network was pleased and had been looking for a way to distance themselves from Beck's never-ending mongering of fear. The associate went on to suggest that if Beck would just return to smoking pot, he might be a lot quieter.
Prison Break to get new spin-off (News Satire)
Due to the overwhelming success of Fox's Prison Break, the show's writers have pitched a new story idea that involves a character actually breaking into prisons and blending into general population detention areas. Unlike Prison Break, the show will take place in several correctional facilities across the US and will center around a new main character every week.
"The idea is revolutionary, since everyone seems to break out of prisons instead of into them", said pilot cast member Hemlock Smith. He went to say that even though it's kind of cheesy to take a successful idea and basically turn it upside down to make a show, he's grateful for the chance to be involved and has already given notice at his current job as a snow plow driver in Miami. "There was not much work for me in Miami, so I'm chomping at the bit to start filming!" Smith exclaimed.
The writers are still working with Fox, who has yet to announce that they would pick up the show. Test named Prison Sneak In, the show is already gathering steam with sponsors willing to advertise during the show, regardless of time slot. The pilot will truly make-or-break the show, set in rural Alabama. Quinton DePuy, played by Winchel Schleckler, rocks the boat and the prison staff by seeking a conjugal visit to his lover, Benito Johnson, played by Frincente Vance. The issue will be a first for TV as no one is sure about gay rights involving married sexual partners when one of the partners is incarcerated. The writers would not comment further on the pilot, but analysts are willing to bet that the visit is granted and thus, sets the stage for the prison break in.
BREAKING NEWS: Fox has just announced that they will pick up the show for 21 episodes, airing Tuesdays at 11pm. KY personal lubricant, made by Johnson & Johnson, will be the show's main sponsor.
"The idea is revolutionary, since everyone seems to break out of prisons instead of into them", said pilot cast member Hemlock Smith. He went to say that even though it's kind of cheesy to take a successful idea and basically turn it upside down to make a show, he's grateful for the chance to be involved and has already given notice at his current job as a snow plow driver in Miami. "There was not much work for me in Miami, so I'm chomping at the bit to start filming!" Smith exclaimed.
The writers are still working with Fox, who has yet to announce that they would pick up the show. Test named Prison Sneak In, the show is already gathering steam with sponsors willing to advertise during the show, regardless of time slot. The pilot will truly make-or-break the show, set in rural Alabama. Quinton DePuy, played by Winchel Schleckler, rocks the boat and the prison staff by seeking a conjugal visit to his lover, Benito Johnson, played by Frincente Vance. The issue will be a first for TV as no one is sure about gay rights involving married sexual partners when one of the partners is incarcerated. The writers would not comment further on the pilot, but analysts are willing to bet that the visit is granted and thus, sets the stage for the prison break in.
BREAKING NEWS: Fox has just announced that they will pick up the show for 21 episodes, airing Tuesdays at 11pm. KY personal lubricant, made by Johnson & Johnson, will be the show's main sponsor.
Chevy sales on the rise despite crappy cars
Humboldt, TN: GM CEO Gibbler Motormouth announced that Chevrolet models are selling quite well, despite the fact that today's Chevy models are the lowest quality models ever made by the company. Motormouth also praised NAFTA for allowing GM and its' subsidiaries the ability to ship jobs overseas and thus, make the company even more profitable. GM has been through some tumultuous times lately, from being bailed out by the US government to shutting down popular brands like Pontiac and Oldsmobile.
"We are ever so grateful to the American public for letting us rape them financially and still buying our products. Only in America could a corporation sell out to the Chinese and still gain market share here in the states. No wonder Wal-Mart did this kind of thing years ago!", Motormouth exclaimed, before being ushered away from reporters covering the press release. There are still so many questions left unanswered, such as a report from Detroit that the Aveo might soon be sold at Wal-Marts nationwide for as little as $1400.
"I'm outraged! We bailed them out, we should all get free cars!", said Jim Friebee, after watching the press release on Fox News. "Too big to fail? How about too stupid to continue? My friend Gregory Yappollotte owned a small newspaper in Alliance, Kansas, and no one's offered him a bailout. How are the 47 subscribers to his paper supposed to get their news? The bureaucracy has failed us". Friebee then hopped into his 1985 Chevy Caprice and started cursing. He was last seen in the parking lot asking strangers if they had a set of jumper cables.
"We are ever so grateful to the American public for letting us rape them financially and still buying our products. Only in America could a corporation sell out to the Chinese and still gain market share here in the states. No wonder Wal-Mart did this kind of thing years ago!", Motormouth exclaimed, before being ushered away from reporters covering the press release. There are still so many questions left unanswered, such as a report from Detroit that the Aveo might soon be sold at Wal-Marts nationwide for as little as $1400.
Church's Chicken Offers Drive-Thru Prayer Vigils (News Satire)
In a stunning move today, Church's Chicken has unveiled plans to offer drive-thru prayer services. The company hopes to expand the service outside of the test-market, and eventually offer dine-in specials like "Honey Biscuits and Hymns" and "Chicken Communion".
"We are so excited to put this plan into motion" says Church's public relations director, Rev. LeGuardo Tenochilteria. "A few years ago, we ran commercials with someone calling one of our locations asking, 'Who's your pastor?' and due to an overwhelming resurgence with many more callers seriously demanding to speak with the lead clergy at our stores, we feel that this program fits the needs of our patrons. I mean, like, come on. We have 'Church' right in the name of our stores."
Customers can simply drive up to the speaker, order a 10 piece mixed box, and receive 3 minutes of counsel from a non-denominational person of the cloth. Smaller time slots are allowed for individual meals orders, while those who order the 20 piece family meal deal can opt for a 9 minute service, complete with 2 prayers, 1 hymn, and 2 scripture readings.
"We are so excited to put this plan into motion" says Church's public relations director, Rev. LeGuardo Tenochilteria. "A few years ago, we ran commercials with someone calling one of our locations asking, 'Who's your pastor?' and due to an overwhelming resurgence with many more callers seriously demanding to speak with the lead clergy at our stores, we feel that this program fits the needs of our patrons. I mean, like, come on. We have 'Church' right in the name of our stores."
Customers can simply drive up to the speaker, order a 10 piece mixed box, and receive 3 minutes of counsel from a non-denominational person of the cloth. Smaller time slots are allowed for individual meals orders, while those who order the 20 piece family meal deal can opt for a 9 minute service, complete with 2 prayers, 1 hymn, and 2 scripture readings.
Goldschlager Blamed For Bank Deposit Mishap (News Satire)
It seemed like a normal winter day in Belton, Missouri. Bank teller Randy Kaiser showed up for work promptly, as he'd done so many times before. Having recently returned from a vacation to Sacramento, coupled with staying at a Holiday Inn Express, nothing could have prepared him for the bank's first customer of the day. In walked Ben Dawson, a slightly older gentleman, silver hair and an odor emitting from him that suggested days of hygiene neglect, proud binge drinking, and late night jaunts to Taco Bell in search of Fourth Meal. Dawson entered the Belton Bank and Trust carrying what appeared to be large Ziploc freezer bags of melted chocolate shakes. He thrust the bags onto the counter at Kaiser's window, and that's when the smell hit Kaiser like a ton of bricks.
"Can I help you?", Kaiser coughed out, trying not to vomit. Dawson tried to explain his intentions with the Ziploc bags of feces. Unfortunately, Dawson appeared still quite inebriated and his words were jumbled and slurred. Kaiser was able to figure out that Dawson had been drinking Goldschlager for six days straight. He also gathered from Dawson's story that he(Dawson) had been plagued with explosive projectile diarrhea for the past three days. Oddly enough, Dawson had collected most of his excrement. Dawson wanted to deposit his butt mud into his account, citing that the average bottle contained around $4 worth of gold flakes. With 6 bags of speckled poop slush, he insisted that his account be credited no less than $22.
"We've never seen or heard anything like this" bank president Herbert Honeywagon asserted. "Sure, the liqueur has gold flakes in it, but that's really just a novelty of the libation. We are not in the business of filtering out gold from our account holders' poops and peeps. That's just nasty."
The police were called and Dawson was escorted out, screaming "I know my rights!". The bank declined to comment further on the incident, but a bank official, who wished to remain anonymous due to an ongoing investigation, said that the bank's website had been updated. A new line in the bank's online Terms of Service insists that customers are not allowed to bring fecal matter into the bank for any reason.
"Can I help you?", Kaiser coughed out, trying not to vomit. Dawson tried to explain his intentions with the Ziploc bags of feces. Unfortunately, Dawson appeared still quite inebriated and his words were jumbled and slurred. Kaiser was able to figure out that Dawson had been drinking Goldschlager for six days straight. He also gathered from Dawson's story that he(Dawson) had been plagued with explosive projectile diarrhea for the past three days. Oddly enough, Dawson had collected most of his excrement. Dawson wanted to deposit his butt mud into his account, citing that the average bottle contained around $4 worth of gold flakes. With 6 bags of speckled poop slush, he insisted that his account be credited no less than $22.
"We've never seen or heard anything like this" bank president Herbert Honeywagon asserted. "Sure, the liqueur has gold flakes in it, but that's really just a novelty of the libation. We are not in the business of filtering out gold from our account holders' poops and peeps. That's just nasty."
The police were called and Dawson was escorted out, screaming "I know my rights!". The bank declined to comment further on the incident, but a bank official, who wished to remain anonymous due to an ongoing investigation, said that the bank's website had been updated. A new line in the bank's online Terms of Service insists that customers are not allowed to bring fecal matter into the bank for any reason.
Monday
MTV press release on "16 and Pregnant" (News Satire)
MTV spokesperson Bartholomew Ignos issued statements and answered questions today regarding their self-proclaimed hit "16 and Pregnant". Ignos spoke to a crowded room, much to the surprise of everyone. MTV Public Relations director Julie Doomie began the meeting with laughter and amazement of just how many reporters showed up to cover the event. "We had no idea real people even cared about this show!", Doomie exclaimed before introducing Ignos. Here is an excerpt of the press release:*James Roundtree, Babies Having Babies Magazine: Mr. Ignos, when the think tank of drunken sodomites got together and pitched this show, did anyone have any idea of the greatness it would become, or realize the advertising revenue boost that it would bring us here at Babies Having Babies?
Ignos: Thank you for your questions. Well, first I must tell you that to our knowledge, there were no drunken sodomites involved in the original ideas surrounding the show. As you already know, Ben Rutgarten, a veteran cameraman, was later convicted of sodomy, but that was while vacationing in Thailand. In regards to the show's initial development, the first day of planning for the show was actually a "Bring your kids to Work" day. Two of the seven producers involved had their 15 year old daughters with them, both expecting. As a group they ascertained that if they could somehow glamorize young girls having babies, then the two female panelists could afford nannies, and thus, stay working at MTV. As for your increased ad revenue at your fine publication, we were contacted by an anonymous Illuminati official, who made it clear to us that increasing your circulation was in integral part of their plan for a new world order.
*Grover Indabut, Junior Skeetcollector Condoms: Thank you, Mr. Ignos. Unfortunately, our condom sales have plummeted since the show began. We want to promote our product as another safeguard against pregnancy and sexually-transmitted disease, but we need something drastic to regain market share. Aside from commercials while the show is on the air, are you looking to maybe encourage young people to be safe and possibly avoid the harsh reality of becoming parents at such a young age?
Ignos: Great question. However, at this time, due to the overwhelming success of the show, we are in no way interested in promoting safe sex. How can we find new material for future shows if we were to take such a path? No, this is not a direction we are willing to take, for our own best interests. What I can tell you is that next season, possibly in the second or third episode, we will have a segment dedicated to alternative uses for condoms. So far we've come up with standards like water-balloons, and even a few less popular ideas like using them for food storage in your refrigerator and covering your side view mirrors on your cars during snowstorms to avoid having to scrape them in the morning. Stay tuned for more breakthroughs on that subject, and thanks for asking.
*Ralph Knutalott, Pedophile News Network: Mr. Ignos, is it true that in the coming months, MTV plans to roll out more shows along this storyline? Rumors have floated about titles like, "My Kid made the Sexual Predator list before your Kid" and "Preteen Preggers". Can you shed any light on the validity of such shows, and if so, when can we expect them to air?
Ignos: It's true that as a world leader in entertainment and education, and occasionally music, that we here at MTV realize that the future to successful growth and dominance requires us to constantly evolve our programming to fit the needs of so many interested viewers. In order to securely give our shows a market without aiding our competitors, we cannot comment about any future shows not already being promoted. Thank you.
from MTV press release, January 16, 2011.
The full press release lasted sixteen hours and even featured a rather pitiful performance by the Jonas Brothers.
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