Culprits Identified in Target security breach

Corpus Christie, TX-  A group of 4th graders working on a science fair project today were able to easily identify the "who" and "where" of the ongoing Target fiasco, where up to 70 million Target shoppers have had their personal and financial information stolen and sold abroad. The scandal begin to erupt during the Christmas shopping season in December, and Target has been scrambling to recover and regroup ever since. Before the Target incident, it was just assumed by most consumers that their information was treated with the utmost security in mind.  Even though the breach has only been exposed at Target, other companies are feeling the aftermath, having to do what they can to convince shoppers that it won't happen at their stores. Experts and people not qualified for anything have speculated that perhaps the Target breach was an inside job, yet scientists studying the mating rituals of penguins in Antarctica believe it could anyone, including the shoppers themselves.
     Those useless accusations and ridiculous notions will have to bury themselves among other idiotic conspiracy theories, as the 4th graders from Ms. Grames' class at Squidworth Elementary uncovered a massive, neck-deep, unsavory, ruthless, diabolical, downright evil plot by none other than the Wal-Mart home office Janitorial/Maintenance department.  It was there in Bentonville, AR where La Mont Frallingford and Dee Jay Menkins collaborated and then initiated a clever plan to make millions, bring more business to their already thriving employer, and kill some time before the beginning of the NFL Playoffs. Charges have not yet been filed in this matter. A greeter at a nearby store declined to comment on this story or greet shoppers entering that store. Stay tuned for updates and more.

Sound Heard at Night Ends Up Being Nothing

   Grayson, CT: Erma Jo Linden was frightened last night about 10PM as she swore she heard something stirring in the backyard of her family's backyard. After repeated jabs to side, her husband rose out of the bed and went to investigate. Armed with a fully loaded AR-15, some suntan lotion, and a pack of graham crackers, Jeb Linden descended the staircase slowly in anticipation of seeing something. After an exhaustive search, Jeb found nothing. Knowing how paranoid his wife is, he unloaded the clip of the AR on an unsuspecting garden gnome. He then retired to the bedroom and described an intense stand-off between himself and a rag-tag gang of raccoons hellbent on world domination one garden at a time. Satisfied, Erma Jo dozed off to sleep and all was still at the Linden house, until of course the local sheriff arrived at the scene around 4:30AM investigating the shots fired. Jeb was taken into custody and threatened his wife by saying there would be "hell to pay" if she didn't bail him out and serve him a wonderful breakfast.    

Doomsday Prognosticator Off By One Day

  Rancho Cucamonga, CA: The world turned as usual on Saturday, May 21st. Some people partied, others went to work. Some just simply enjoyed the weekend as they had planned. A few, inspired by Harold Camping's delusional ideology, spent what they thought were their last hours spreading their misguided message. Then 6 o'clock pm struck: nothing happened.
     Camping, a retired civil engineer, has been here before. He believed the end was near in 1994, prompting him to write a book about the events that were to take place. Sadly, some people are just born stupid and Camping, officially nominated 2011's "False Prophet of the Year" front-runner, was able to amass vulnerable, simpleton groups of lost souls to once again spread the word of the earth's impending doom. Camping claimed to have used scripture and mathematics to obtain May 21st, 2011 as the 7,000 year anniversary of the flood in which Noah built the ark and saved 2 of every animal. He was quoted on television as saying there was no way that the rapture wasn't going to happen. Unfortunately, and again, he was wrong.
     People that claim to be devout in a quest for spiritual enlightenment probably saw this coming. Although we here at NSN have no use for any version of a bible, we spoke to Dr. Natas Kappas, a professor in theology at the Blessed Earth Seminary and Vacation Bible House. He began our interview laughing at the notion that the rapture would take place in accordance with time zones and move along in such a pattern.  Dr. Natas was quick to point out that even though he now believes most of the New Testament to be a complete forgery, the books throughout the bible spell out in easy to understand terms that NO ONE here on earth would, could, or will ever know when God is to return and start the Armageddon. Some versions take it a step further and suggest that even Jesus or the Holy Spirit do not and will not know of this event of all events. Dr. Natas also pointed out that the scripture warns of men falsely representing themselves as men of God.  Some verses suggest that men will try to predict when and where the earth's final days will take place. We'd like to point out that the punishment for such atrocities back in those times was death.
     What is most hilarious about all this doomsday propaganda is how senile believers signed up and paid money for pet care after the rapture. Take a minute if you have it and Google pet care after the rapture: many sites come up, promising to care for your pets should you be amongst the saved.  If you were certain that you were not heading to heaven, you could join several pages on Facebook of rag-tag organizations planning great looting and squatting parties. 
     Predictions can be fun. We here at NSN have some you might want to take note of:


 May 22nd, 2011: Harold Camping is taken out of his home by penniless former followers and beaten to death.


 May 23rd, 2011: The US government still is riddled with corruption and greed as Republicans and Democrats continue the fight to determine who gets to cause the collapse of the country.


 Feb. 12, 2012: Gold hits $5400 as many foreign countries decide to return to a resource-based currency. 

 March 7th, 2012: Glenn Beck, in a heart-felt press release, confirms that even though they differ on their political beliefs, he finds Al Gore so damn sexy and he shares with reporters pictures of an ice cave in Norway where the two are to marry and live out their days sodomizing each other until the heat from their passion truly creates Global Warming.


 June 12th, 2012: Upset that often their drive-thru orders are completely screwed up, many Americans vow to "look in the bag" at the window before pulling away to make sure they got what they paid for.


 June 13th, 2012: The same idiots forgot what they vowed yesterday and got a fish sandwich instead of the faux meat McRib they were looking forward to.

 December 22, 2012: Americans stare out of their windows in disbelief as the world continues its course despite them having watched movies and reading fictitious books about how the 21st was supposed to be the last time they went to their jobs they hate. The rest of the world laughs, as they knew it was only the end of the Mayan calendar cycle, and a new cycle begins.






     You heard it here first, folks. Mark your calendars, start your office pools. And have a super day.    

Mentally Handicapped Star emerges from YouTube (News Satire)

  Fargo, ND: Viral videos are all the rage these days, and this week's submission is sure to rock and educate you. This new video  is sweeping the nation with mixed determinations of what it's about or even what the lyrics are.  Rebecca Black makes her debut with "Friday", a song obviously written by an uneducated pre-teen. The song starts its saddening descent quickly, as she rushes to the bus stop only to be picked up by her friends. At that moment, she is confronted with her first of many major dilemmas; where to sit. "Which seat can I take?", she sings, as if this is a milestone for her. At this point in the video, the viewer may notice that almost everyone in the video needs to rush out and buy some acne medication. Also worth noting is that only two lines of lyrics have rhymed out of at least eight. This is also the part of the song where you hear auto tune gone wrong. The chorus, which is reported to say "Friday", actually sounds more like "fried egg". It gets progressively worse. The chorus rambles on to an infantile "Partyin', partyin', Yeah! Partyin', partyin', Yeah! Fun, Fun, Fun, Fun, Lookin' forward to the weekend!" Yes, you read (or heard) it correctly. Fun said four times in a row. As if we needed more proof that 'No Child Left Behind' has failed us as a nation. Things turn to educating when she breaks down the days of the week, noting that "Yesterday was Thursday, Today it is Friday". Then we do a u-turn into some grammatically pitiful expression of "we we we so excited, we so excited, we gonna have a ball today. Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards, I don't want this weekend to end". The video continues this lack of style, and then, BAM! Some pedophile rapper enters the scene, talking about being in the front seat and the back seat and switching lanes. He's all excited because he saw a school bus. Coincidentally, he also chooses to only rhyme two of his lines. As the song reaches the best part(the end), you are treated to repetitive chorus abuse and then you can schedule that lobotomy to maybe forget this horrible, wretched song.
   Maybe we're being too harsh here. We should support singers with down syndrome every chance we get. At least they found the guts to perform. But one has to ask, where's that one sensible family member, that one voice of reason that says, 'this is a bad idea'? Apparently, there is no one like that in this girl's house. We all know that the education system is failing us; do we really need more proof shoved in our faces?

Chevy sales on the rise despite crappy cars

     Humboldt, TN: GM CEO Gibbler Motormouth announced that Chevrolet models are selling quite well, despite the fact that today's Chevy models are the lowest quality models ever made by the company. Motormouth also praised NAFTA for allowing GM and its' subsidiaries the ability to ship jobs overseas and thus, make the company even more profitable. GM has been through some tumultuous times lately, from being bailed out by the US government to shutting down popular brands like Pontiac and Oldsmobile.
     "We are ever so grateful to the American public for letting us rape them financially and still buying our products. Only in America could a corporation sell out to the Chinese and still gain market share here in the states. No wonder Wal-Mart did this kind of thing years ago!", Motormouth exclaimed, before being ushered away from reporters covering the press release. There are still so many questions left unanswered, such as a report from Detroit that the Aveo might soon be sold at Wal-Marts nationwide for as little as $1400. 

     "I'm outraged! We bailed them out, we should all get free cars!", said Jim Friebee, after watching the press release on Fox News. "Too big to fail? How about too stupid to continue? My friend Gregory Yappollotte owned a small newspaper in Alliance, Kansas, and no one's offered him a bailout. How are the 47 subscribers to his paper supposed to get their news? The bureaucracy has failed us".  Friebee then hopped into his 1985 Chevy Caprice and started cursing. He was last seen in the parking lot asking strangers if they had a set of jumper cables.