Culprits Identified in Target security breach

Corpus Christie, TX-  A group of 4th graders working on a science fair project today were able to easily identify the "who" and "where" of the ongoing Target fiasco, where up to 70 million Target shoppers have had their personal and financial information stolen and sold abroad. The scandal begin to erupt during the Christmas shopping season in December, and Target has been scrambling to recover and regroup ever since. Before the Target incident, it was just assumed by most consumers that their information was treated with the utmost security in mind.  Even though the breach has only been exposed at Target, other companies are feeling the aftermath, having to do what they can to convince shoppers that it won't happen at their stores. Experts and people not qualified for anything have speculated that perhaps the Target breach was an inside job, yet scientists studying the mating rituals of penguins in Antarctica believe it could anyone, including the shoppers themselves.
     Those useless accusations and ridiculous notions will have to bury themselves among other idiotic conspiracy theories, as the 4th graders from Ms. Grames' class at Squidworth Elementary uncovered a massive, neck-deep, unsavory, ruthless, diabolical, downright evil plot by none other than the Wal-Mart home office Janitorial/Maintenance department.  It was there in Bentonville, AR where La Mont Frallingford and Dee Jay Menkins collaborated and then initiated a clever plan to make millions, bring more business to their already thriving employer, and kill some time before the beginning of the NFL Playoffs. Charges have not yet been filed in this matter. A greeter at a nearby store declined to comment on this story or greet shoppers entering that store. Stay tuned for updates and more.

NFL and NFLPA Agree on Some Things (News Satire)

  Cooter, MO: Joyous screams rang out today in Washington, D.C. as the NFL and the NFLPA let out of session from mediation. The road to here has been riddled with contractual pot holes and financial road construction, yet members of both sides considered today a 'win-win'. 
     After mid-morning deliberations, items came to a vote. It was then determined by a unanimous consensus that both sides "thoroughly enjoy Girl Scout cookies". Unfortunately, fistfights broke out and furniture was sent flying when the two sides began talks over which flavor was the best. Tensions escalated when the room was divided into flavor representatives comprising of The Thin Mints, The Caramel Delights, and The Thanks-a-lots. At the time of this release, the fighting was still ongoing and no one appeared to be offering concessions except for Girl Scout Troop #319, which had set up sales in the hallway, offering cookies and lemonade. When asked about the negotiations regarding the inevitable lock-out, NFLPA spokesperson Natrone Fumbels said, "Hell, we've completely forgotten about that!"