Goldschlager Blamed For Bank Deposit Mishap (News Satire)

     It seemed like a normal winter day in Belton, Missouri. Bank teller Randy Kaiser showed up for work promptly, as he'd done so many times before. Having recently returned from a vacation to Sacramento, coupled with staying at a Holiday Inn Express, nothing could have prepared him for the bank's first customer of the day. In walked Ben Dawson, a slightly older gentleman, silver hair and an odor emitting from him that suggested days of hygiene neglect, proud binge drinking, and late night jaunts to Taco Bell in search of Fourth Meal. Dawson entered the Belton Bank and Trust carrying what appeared to be large Ziploc freezer bags of melted chocolate shakes. He thrust the bags onto the counter at Kaiser's window, and that's when the smell hit Kaiser like a ton of bricks.
     "Can I help you?", Kaiser coughed out, trying not to vomit. Dawson tried to explain his intentions with the Ziploc bags of feces. Unfortunately, Dawson appeared still quite inebriated and his words were jumbled and slurred. Kaiser was able to figure out that Dawson had been drinking Goldschlager for six days straight. He also gathered from Dawson's story that he(Dawson) had been plagued with explosive projectile diarrhea for the past three days. Oddly enough, Dawson had collected most of his excrement.  Dawson wanted to deposit his butt mud into his account, citing that the average bottle contained around $4 worth of gold flakes. With 6 bags of speckled poop slush, he insisted that his account be credited no less than $22.
     "We've never seen or heard anything like this" bank president Herbert Honeywagon asserted. "Sure, the liqueur has gold flakes in it, but that's really just a novelty of the libation. We are not in the business of filtering out gold from our account holders' poops and peeps. That's just nasty."
     The police were called and Dawson was escorted out, screaming "I know my rights!". The bank declined to comment further on the incident, but a bank official, who wished to remain anonymous due to an ongoing investigation, said that the bank's website had been updated. A new line in the bank's online Terms of Service insists that customers are not allowed to bring fecal matter into the bank for any reason.