Culprits Identified in Target security breach

Corpus Christie, TX-  A group of 4th graders working on a science fair project today were able to easily identify the "who" and "where" of the ongoing Target fiasco, where up to 70 million Target shoppers have had their personal and financial information stolen and sold abroad. The scandal begin to erupt during the Christmas shopping season in December, and Target has been scrambling to recover and regroup ever since. Before the Target incident, it was just assumed by most consumers that their information was treated with the utmost security in mind.  Even though the breach has only been exposed at Target, other companies are feeling the aftermath, having to do what they can to convince shoppers that it won't happen at their stores. Experts and people not qualified for anything have speculated that perhaps the Target breach was an inside job, yet scientists studying the mating rituals of penguins in Antarctica believe it could anyone, including the shoppers themselves.
     Those useless accusations and ridiculous notions will have to bury themselves among other idiotic conspiracy theories, as the 4th graders from Ms. Grames' class at Squidworth Elementary uncovered a massive, neck-deep, unsavory, ruthless, diabolical, downright evil plot by none other than the Wal-Mart home office Janitorial/Maintenance department.  It was there in Bentonville, AR where La Mont Frallingford and Dee Jay Menkins collaborated and then initiated a clever plan to make millions, bring more business to their already thriving employer, and kill some time before the beginning of the NFL Playoffs. Charges have not yet been filed in this matter. A greeter at a nearby store declined to comment on this story or greet shoppers entering that store. Stay tuned for updates and more.

Sound Heard at Night Ends Up Being Nothing

   Grayson, CT: Erma Jo Linden was frightened last night about 10PM as she swore she heard something stirring in the backyard of her family's backyard. After repeated jabs to side, her husband rose out of the bed and went to investigate. Armed with a fully loaded AR-15, some suntan lotion, and a pack of graham crackers, Jeb Linden descended the staircase slowly in anticipation of seeing something. After an exhaustive search, Jeb found nothing. Knowing how paranoid his wife is, he unloaded the clip of the AR on an unsuspecting garden gnome. He then retired to the bedroom and described an intense stand-off between himself and a rag-tag gang of raccoons hellbent on world domination one garden at a time. Satisfied, Erma Jo dozed off to sleep and all was still at the Linden house, until of course the local sheriff arrived at the scene around 4:30AM investigating the shots fired. Jeb was taken into custody and threatened his wife by saying there would be "hell to pay" if she didn't bail him out and serve him a wonderful breakfast.    

Mentally Handicapped Star emerges from YouTube (News Satire)

  Fargo, ND: Viral videos are all the rage these days, and this week's submission is sure to rock and educate you. This new video  is sweeping the nation with mixed determinations of what it's about or even what the lyrics are.  Rebecca Black makes her debut with "Friday", a song obviously written by an uneducated pre-teen. The song starts its saddening descent quickly, as she rushes to the bus stop only to be picked up by her friends. At that moment, she is confronted with her first of many major dilemmas; where to sit. "Which seat can I take?", she sings, as if this is a milestone for her. At this point in the video, the viewer may notice that almost everyone in the video needs to rush out and buy some acne medication. Also worth noting is that only two lines of lyrics have rhymed out of at least eight. This is also the part of the song where you hear auto tune gone wrong. The chorus, which is reported to say "Friday", actually sounds more like "fried egg". It gets progressively worse. The chorus rambles on to an infantile "Partyin', partyin', Yeah! Partyin', partyin', Yeah! Fun, Fun, Fun, Fun, Lookin' forward to the weekend!" Yes, you read (or heard) it correctly. Fun said four times in a row. As if we needed more proof that 'No Child Left Behind' has failed us as a nation. Things turn to educating when she breaks down the days of the week, noting that "Yesterday was Thursday, Today it is Friday". Then we do a u-turn into some grammatically pitiful expression of "we we we so excited, we so excited, we gonna have a ball today. Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards, I don't want this weekend to end". The video continues this lack of style, and then, BAM! Some pedophile rapper enters the scene, talking about being in the front seat and the back seat and switching lanes. He's all excited because he saw a school bus. Coincidentally, he also chooses to only rhyme two of his lines. As the song reaches the best part(the end), you are treated to repetitive chorus abuse and then you can schedule that lobotomy to maybe forget this horrible, wretched song.
   Maybe we're being too harsh here. We should support singers with down syndrome every chance we get. At least they found the guts to perform. But one has to ask, where's that one sensible family member, that one voice of reason that says, 'this is a bad idea'? Apparently, there is no one like that in this girl's house. We all know that the education system is failing us; do we really need more proof shoved in our faces?

NFL and NFLPA Agree on Some Things (News Satire)

  Cooter, MO: Joyous screams rang out today in Washington, D.C. as the NFL and the NFLPA let out of session from mediation. The road to here has been riddled with contractual pot holes and financial road construction, yet members of both sides considered today a 'win-win'. 
     After mid-morning deliberations, items came to a vote. It was then determined by a unanimous consensus that both sides "thoroughly enjoy Girl Scout cookies". Unfortunately, fistfights broke out and furniture was sent flying when the two sides began talks over which flavor was the best. Tensions escalated when the room was divided into flavor representatives comprising of The Thin Mints, The Caramel Delights, and The Thanks-a-lots. At the time of this release, the fighting was still ongoing and no one appeared to be offering concessions except for Girl Scout Troop #319, which had set up sales in the hallway, offering cookies and lemonade. When asked about the negotiations regarding the inevitable lock-out, NFLPA spokesperson Natrone Fumbels said, "Hell, we've completely forgotten about that!"

Prison Break to get new spin-off (News Satire)

     Due to the overwhelming success of Fox's Prison Break, the show's writers have pitched a new story idea that involves a character actually breaking into prisons and blending into general population detention areas. Unlike Prison Break, the show will take place in several correctional facilities across the US and will center around a new main character every week.
     "The idea is revolutionary, since everyone seems to break out of prisons instead of into them", said pilot cast member Hemlock Smith. He went to say that even though it's kind of cheesy to take a successful idea and basically turn it upside down to make a show, he's grateful for the chance to be involved and has already given notice at his current job as a snow plow driver in Miami. "There was not much work for me in Miami, so I'm chomping at the bit to start filming!" Smith exclaimed.
     The writers are still working with Fox, who has yet to announce that they would pick up the show. Test named Prison Sneak In, the show is already gathering steam with sponsors willing to advertise during the show, regardless of time slot. The pilot will truly make-or-break the show, set in rural Alabama. Quinton DePuy, played by Winchel Schleckler, rocks the boat and the prison staff by seeking a conjugal visit to his lover, Benito Johnson, played by Frincente Vance.  The issue will be a first for TV as no one is sure about gay rights involving married sexual partners when one of the partners is incarcerated. The writers would not comment further on the pilot, but analysts are willing to bet that the visit is granted and thus, sets the stage for the prison break in.
BREAKING NEWS: Fox has just announced that they will pick up the show for 21 episodes, airing Tuesdays at 11pm. KY personal lubricant, made by Johnson & Johnson, will be the show's main sponsor.

Church's Chicken Offers Drive-Thru Prayer Vigils (News Satire)

     In a stunning move today, Church's Chicken has unveiled plans to offer drive-thru prayer services.  The company hopes to expand the service outside of the test-market, and eventually offer dine-in specials like "Honey Biscuits and Hymns" and "Chicken Communion".
     "We are so excited to put this plan into motion" says Church's public relations director, Rev. LeGuardo Tenochilteria. "A few years ago, we ran commercials with someone calling one of our locations asking, 'Who's your pastor?' and due to an overwhelming resurgence with many more callers seriously demanding to speak with the lead clergy at our stores, we feel that this program fits the needs of our patrons. I mean, like, come on. We have 'Church' right in the name of our stores."
     Customers can simply drive up to the speaker, order a 10 piece mixed box, and receive 3 minutes of counsel from a non-denominational person of the cloth. Smaller time slots are allowed for individual meals orders, while those who order the 20 piece family meal deal can opt for a 9 minute service, complete with 2 prayers, 1 hymn, and 2 scripture readings.

MTV press release on "16 and Pregnant" (News Satire)

     MTV spokesperson Bartholomew Ignos issued statements and answered questions today regarding their self-proclaimed hit "16 and Pregnant". Ignos spoke to a crowded room, much to the surprise of everyone. MTV Public Relations director Julie Doomie began the meeting with laughter and amazement of just how many reporters showed up to cover the event. "We had no idea real people even cared about this show!", Doomie exclaimed before introducing Ignos. Here is an excerpt of the press release:

   *James Roundtree, Babies Having Babies Magazine: Mr. Ignos, when the think tank of drunken sodomites got together and pitched this show, did anyone have any idea of the greatness it would become, or realize the advertising revenue boost that it would bring us here at Babies Having Babies?
  Ignos: Thank you for your questions. Well, first I must tell you that to our knowledge, there were no drunken sodomites involved in the original ideas surrounding the show. As you already know,  Ben Rutgarten, a veteran cameraman, was later convicted of sodomy, but that was while vacationing in Thailand. In regards to the show's initial development, the first day of planning for the show was actually a "Bring your kids to Work" day. Two of the seven producers involved had their 15 year old daughters with them, both expecting. As a group they ascertained that if they could somehow glamorize young girls having babies, then the two female panelists could afford nannies, and thus, stay working at MTV. As for your increased ad revenue at your fine publication, we were contacted by an anonymous Illuminati official, who made it clear to us that increasing your circulation was in integral part of their plan for a new world order.
   *Grover Indabut, Junior Skeetcollector Condoms: Thank you, Mr. Ignos. Unfortunately, our condom sales have plummeted since the show began. We want to promote our product as another safeguard against pregnancy and sexually-transmitted disease, but we need something drastic to regain market share. Aside from commercials while the show is on the air, are you looking to maybe encourage young people to be safe and possibly avoid the harsh reality of becoming parents at such a young age?
  Ignos: Great question. However, at this time, due to the overwhelming success of the show, we are in no way interested in promoting safe sex. How can we find new material for future shows if we were to take such a path? No, this is not a direction we are willing to take, for our own best interests. What I can tell you is that next season, possibly in the second or third episode, we will have a segment dedicated to alternative uses for condoms. So far we've come up with standards like water-balloons, and even a few less popular ideas like using them for food storage in your refrigerator and covering your side view mirrors on your cars during snowstorms to avoid having to scrape them in the morning. Stay tuned for more breakthroughs on that subject, and thanks for asking.
   *Ralph Knutalott, Pedophile News Network: Mr. Ignos, is it true that in the coming months, MTV plans to roll out more shows along this storyline? Rumors have floated about titles like, "My Kid made the Sexual Predator list before your Kid" and "Preteen Preggers". Can you shed any light on the validity of such shows, and if so, when can we expect them to air?
  Ignos: It's true that as a world leader in entertainment and education, and occasionally music, that we here at MTV realize that the future to successful growth and dominance requires us to constantly evolve our programming to fit the needs of so many interested viewers. In order to securely give our shows a market without aiding our competitors, we cannot comment about any future shows not already being promoted.  Thank you.
    from MTV press release, January 16, 2011.


The full press release lasted sixteen hours and even featured a rather pitiful performance by the Jonas Brothers.