Culprits Identified in Target security breach

Corpus Christie, TX-  A group of 4th graders working on a science fair project today were able to easily identify the "who" and "where" of the ongoing Target fiasco, where up to 70 million Target shoppers have had their personal and financial information stolen and sold abroad. The scandal begin to erupt during the Christmas shopping season in December, and Target has been scrambling to recover and regroup ever since. Before the Target incident, it was just assumed by most consumers that their information was treated with the utmost security in mind.  Even though the breach has only been exposed at Target, other companies are feeling the aftermath, having to do what they can to convince shoppers that it won't happen at their stores. Experts and people not qualified for anything have speculated that perhaps the Target breach was an inside job, yet scientists studying the mating rituals of penguins in Antarctica believe it could anyone, including the shoppers themselves.
     Those useless accusations and ridiculous notions will have to bury themselves among other idiotic conspiracy theories, as the 4th graders from Ms. Grames' class at Squidworth Elementary uncovered a massive, neck-deep, unsavory, ruthless, diabolical, downright evil plot by none other than the Wal-Mart home office Janitorial/Maintenance department.  It was there in Bentonville, AR where La Mont Frallingford and Dee Jay Menkins collaborated and then initiated a clever plan to make millions, bring more business to their already thriving employer, and kill some time before the beginning of the NFL Playoffs. Charges have not yet been filed in this matter. A greeter at a nearby store declined to comment on this story or greet shoppers entering that store. Stay tuned for updates and more.

Weather in Middle Tennessee Claims Many Lives

Hendersonville, TN-  The arctic freeze that has gripped over half the country this week has perhaps surprised the kindhearted citizenry of Nashville more-so than other municipalities. People in Detroit, for example, are not shy about vocalizing their discontent for the cold, yet they are no stranger to it. The city of Nashville, and its surrounding metro except for White House(which sits high atop a ridge) are not familiar with such cold extremes. Too bad, exclaims Mother Nature, as Nash-Vegas, coined by queers who have obviously never been to Las Vegas, succumbed to record low temps and bone-chilling wind.
     Ursula Moss, an elementary teacher, told reporters," after my neighbor refused to let her daughter play outside with my possessed child, I instantly jumped on Facebook to paint a picture that I, too, am a caring and intelligent parent. I wonder if anyone bought it." Yuri Zager, familiar with Moss, said "Moss is full of shit. She might be a decent teacher, but I mean, come on. Schools have been out for 2 weeks now. Why hasn't she updated grades and progression on the website? What a lazy, confused bitch." It might also be worth noting that Zager is President of the Passive-Aggressive Coalition of Americans for More Swearing.

One thing is certain, the next Taylor Swift song damned sure better mention someone's cold heart senselessly butchering her innocent persona. And does anyone else find it funny that the state most caught off guard by such an intense winter is home to Al Gore, inventor of global warming and the Internet? Maybe a little ironic..

True Revealed! Why Nancy Grace is a Narcissistic Bitch

Bumblescrum, AK-  Researchers have finally been able to end a 7 year-long study as to what causes self-proclaimed celebrity lawyer-turned-reporter Nancy Grace to be such an annoying, man-hating, stuck-up, undesirable nut case.  Over the years many have speculated as to the reasons why Grace has become an overly ridiculous, self-defeating, pompous douche, and it will comfort a great number of people to know for certain what makes this succubus "tick".

                                                                                                As seen in this pre-op photo, Nancy Grace originally won over the hearts of millions by compassionately bringing light to heartstring-pulling stories, such as murders and child abductions. She made a name for herself by reporting with emotion and a sense of realism. Things took a turn for the worst when Grace went in for mandatory/elective rhinoplasty. Days after the procedure, a blind man heard her voice and proclaimed she was absolutely the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. An angry mob ensued and viciously dismembered the man, feeding his body to stray dogs.  Unfortunately, the seed had already been planted and Grace began to think her fecal matter possessed no odor. 

Sources close to Ms. Grace reluctantly point out that she has a bladder incontinence issue, and therefore cannot maintain an intimate relationship with anyone under 75.  Another source disclosed that Grace is an only child, and therefore was never told to "shut up" when she definitely should have been.  All this information is fine and dandy, but the research concluded only one thing, perhaps the most compelling piece to this puzzle; Nancy Grace, beloved bitch on wheels, was born into this world Nathaniel Greise.  There, we said it. And now you know the rest of the story....

Sub-par the New Par

Bentonville, AR- Tears of joy and screams of elation filled the homes of elitist liberals over the weekend as the dream of a "nanny state" have become more likely a reality than a fantasy. A source close to the Illuminati said Friday that the secret mega-rich dominance driven group is oh-so excited whenever they hear stories about lower class Americans crying for a higher minimum wage.  Conservative groups are crying foul, unsuccessfully countering this movement by reminding Americans that with hard work, determination, and education, a worker can "climb the ladder" and that minimum wage jobs are merely a launching pad in the workforce.
     "I can't live on my own and raise my 6 children with a $8hr job", states Janice Browerman. "Even with WIC, food stamps, Section 8, and the numerous church food pantries I visit weekly, it's tough. What do they expect us to do? Not have children until we are fiscally responsible? Focus on education and get a better job? Whatever."  Janice represents the sentiment of many Americans out there, holding hands out to receive help as opposed to improving their situation.
     Independent political groups are weighing in on this subject as well. James Middleton, toilet-brush magnate and bathroom entrepreneur, suggests that the solution needs to come from both sides of the aisle in Washington. "It's quite simple, really. If you could get the left to curb their extremism, and the right to curb their extremism, then you have an environment where legitimate solutions would flourish and just maybe, society could emulate the Congress and stop the madness."  Unfortunately, Middleton was severely beaten to death by congressional toilet brushes soon after making that statement. Extremists on both sides took credit for the killing.