Cooter, MO: Joyous screams rang out today in Washington, D.C. as the NFL and the NFLPA let out of session from mediation. The road to here has been riddled with contractual pot holes and financial road construction, yet members of both sides considered today a 'win-win'.
After mid-morning deliberations, items came to a vote. It was then determined by a unanimous consensus that both sides "thoroughly enjoy Girl Scout cookies". Unfortunately, fistfights broke out and furniture was sent flying when the two sides began talks over which flavor was the best. Tensions escalated when the room was divided into flavor representatives comprising of The Thin Mints, The Caramel Delights, and The Thanks-a-lots. At the time of this release, the fighting was still ongoing and no one appeared to be offering concessions except for Girl Scout Troop #319, which had set up sales in the hallway, offering cookies and lemonade. When asked about the negotiations regarding the inevitable lock-out, NFLPA spokesperson Natrone Fumbels said, "Hell, we've completely forgotten about that!"
We report, we decide. We pretty much took all the stress out of it for you. You're welcome.
Tuesday
Glenn Beck to move to CBS (News Satire)
Bucksnort,TN: In an inexplicably startling move, Glenn Beck spokesperson Glenn Beck announced a myriad of changes to his career. First and foremost, after much backroom deliberation and tedious contract negotiations, Glenn Beck announced Friday that in six months he will replace funnyman and TV game show host Drew Carey on The Price Is Right, CBS's flagship game show. At the time this story broke, Mr. Carey was unavailable for comment but a man sitting on a bench commented that such a move was "without a doubt the dumbest thing I've heard today". The Price Is Right has been considered by many to be the best TV game show in America, and it's definitely the longest-running.
Critics are already up-in-arms over Beck's desire to change the ever-popular phrase "Come on down!" to a more polarizing "Bring your liberal, freeloading, unaware ass on down, to bid on outsourced-produced merchandise made anywhere but here!". This is much to the chagrin of the show's producers, who say such a move will undoubtedly cause advertisers to pull out. Furthermore, Beck plans on eliminating the LCD displays on Contestants Row and all games, to replace them with small chalkboards, reminiscent of his conspiracy-driven show on Fox News.
Adding insult to injury, Beck also wants to change the avatar on the Cliff Hangers game( you know the one, with the mechanical mountain climber, where you yell "stop!" when he's hovering over what you believe to be the price of the prize you're playing for) to a PhotoShop rendition of George Soros, in his never-ending quest to continually alienate the Jewish community.
The producers ultimately shot down Beck's proposal to add Obama's face to the game pieces used in Plinko. Several other changes were dismissed. An anonymous Fox News associate claimed that the network was pleased and had been looking for a way to distance themselves from Beck's never-ending mongering of fear. The associate went on to suggest that if Beck would just return to smoking pot, he might be a lot quieter.
Critics are already up-in-arms over Beck's desire to change the ever-popular phrase "Come on down!" to a more polarizing "Bring your liberal, freeloading, unaware ass on down, to bid on outsourced-produced merchandise made anywhere but here!". This is much to the chagrin of the show's producers, who say such a move will undoubtedly cause advertisers to pull out. Furthermore, Beck plans on eliminating the LCD displays on Contestants Row and all games, to replace them with small chalkboards, reminiscent of his conspiracy-driven show on Fox News.
Adding insult to injury, Beck also wants to change the avatar on the Cliff Hangers game( you know the one, with the mechanical mountain climber, where you yell "stop!" when he's hovering over what you believe to be the price of the prize you're playing for) to a PhotoShop rendition of George Soros, in his never-ending quest to continually alienate the Jewish community.
The producers ultimately shot down Beck's proposal to add Obama's face to the game pieces used in Plinko. Several other changes were dismissed. An anonymous Fox News associate claimed that the network was pleased and had been looking for a way to distance themselves from Beck's never-ending mongering of fear. The associate went on to suggest that if Beck would just return to smoking pot, he might be a lot quieter.
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