Rancho Cucamonga, CA: The world turned as usual on Saturday, May 21st. Some people partied, others went to work. Some just simply enjoyed the weekend as they had planned. A few, inspired by Harold Camping's delusional ideology, spent what they thought were their last hours spreading their misguided message. Then 6 o'clock pm struck: nothing happened.
Camping, a retired civil engineer, has been here before. He believed the end was near in 1994, prompting him to write a book about the events that were to take place. Sadly, some people are just born stupid and Camping, officially nominated 2011's "False Prophet of the Year" front-runner, was able to amass vulnerable, simpleton groups of lost souls to once again spread the word of the earth's impending doom. Camping claimed to have used scripture and mathematics to obtain May 21st, 2011 as the 7,000 year anniversary of the flood in which Noah built the ark and saved 2 of every animal. He was quoted on television as saying there was no way that the rapture wasn't going to happen. Unfortunately, and again, he was wrong.
People that claim to be devout in a quest for spiritual enlightenment probably saw this coming. Although we here at NSN have no use for any version of a bible, we spoke to Dr. Natas Kappas, a professor in theology at the Blessed Earth Seminary and Vacation Bible House. He began our interview laughing at the notion that the rapture would take place in accordance with time zones and move along in such a pattern. Dr. Natas was quick to point out that even though he now believes most of the New Testament to be a complete forgery, the books throughout the bible spell out in easy to understand terms that NO ONE here on earth would, could, or will ever know when God is to return and start the Armageddon. Some versions take it a step further and suggest that even Jesus or the Holy Spirit do not and will not know of this event of all events. Dr. Natas also pointed out that the scripture warns of men falsely representing themselves as men of God. Some verses suggest that men will try to predict when and where the earth's final days will take place. We'd like to point out that the punishment for such atrocities back in those times was death.
What is most hilarious about all this doomsday propaganda is how senile believers signed up and paid money for pet care after the rapture. Take a minute if you have it and Google pet care after the rapture: many sites come up, promising to care for your pets should you be amongst the saved. If you were certain that you were not heading to heaven, you could join several pages on Facebook of rag-tag organizations planning great looting and squatting parties.
Predictions can be fun. We here at NSN have some you might want to take note of:
May 22nd, 2011: Harold Camping is taken out of his home by penniless former followers and beaten to death.
May 23rd, 2011: The US government still is riddled with corruption and greed as Republicans and Democrats continue the fight to determine who gets to cause the collapse of the country.
Feb. 12, 2012: Gold hits $5400 as many foreign countries decide to return to a resource-based currency.
March 7th, 2012: Glenn Beck, in a heart-felt press release, confirms that even though they differ on their political beliefs, he finds Al Gore so damn sexy and he shares with reporters pictures of an ice cave in Norway where the two are to marry and live out their days sodomizing each other until the heat from their passion truly creates Global Warming.
June 12th, 2012: Upset that often their drive-thru orders are completely screwed up, many Americans vow to "look in the bag" at the window before pulling away to make sure they got what they paid for.
June 13th, 2012: The same idiots forgot what they vowed yesterday and got a fish sandwich instead of the faux meat McRib they were looking forward to.
December 22, 2012: Americans stare out of their windows in disbelief as the world continues its course despite them having watched movies and reading fictitious books about how the 21st was supposed to be the last time they went to their jobs they hate. The rest of the world laughs, as they knew it was only the end of the Mayan calendar cycle, and a new cycle begins.
You heard it here first, folks. Mark your calendars, start your office pools. And have a super day.
We report, we decide. We pretty much took all the stress out of it for you. You're welcome.
