Someone lost an eye, Fun and Games canceled

Hastings, NE- Tragedy struck the Phaggett household early Saturday morning when Bubba Joe Phaggett, pictured below, was stabbed in the eye from an errant lawn dart thrown by his nephew, Bart Phaggett. Ordered to play outside by Mrs. Ima Phaggett, Bubba and Bart decided to play a version of "Chicken" with the lawn darts. The objective of the game was to stand still about 30 ft away from the opposing player as that player hurls the dart at the other player. Points are earned by not flinching and bonus points are awarded for not moving when struck by the dart. Late in the seventh round, things were looking good for Bubba, who had amassed a 175 point lead over Bart. Sensing the upcoming loss and the gloom that comes with it, young Bart decided to give it his all and aimed for an upper-body shot on Bubba. The trajectory of the throw was impressive- a beautiful spiral destined for glory! Bubba stood stoic, confident that Bart's throw was going to sail over his head. Unfortunately, the dart struck the pupil of Bubba's right eye and burrowed into his eye socket. Bubba fell to the ground screaming, garnering the attention of Ima who immediately called for an ambulance. Meanwhile, Bart was still celebrating the come from behind victory by dancing and screaming with glee. Ima yelled for him to come over to her, where she chastised him for his deed and informed him that he was to spend the rest of the day locked in the storm shelter. It was at that moment that Bart realized his fun was over. 

Bubba Joe, seen after the accident.

Miami Dolphins coach's choice of glassware explained

Wasilla, AK- After much confusion and many sleepless nights of research, officials at the Pentagon released their complete, unabridged report on why Tony Sparano, head coach of the Miami Dolphins, wears sunglasses during every game and team related functions. The 23,400 page report outlines exactly the reasons Sparano chooses to wear the tinted shades, even at night. Contrary to an earlier conspiracy theory that suggested Sparano's future was so bright that he had no choice but to wear shades, lab documents confirm that Sparano dons the dollar store sunglasses so that he doesn't have to witness the many failings of the Dolphins' season, including Brandon Marshall dropping perfectly thrown passes. A close friend, who must remain anonymous due to the sensitivity of this bombshell, announced to our staff that Sparano likes to wear shades to all the games because he's completely baked on marijuana. In fact, this source claimed that at the last game, where Miami played host to the New York Jets, Tony was so high that he thought the Dolphins won. We caught up with Tony and when we asked him about the Pentagon's report and the accusation of drug abuse, all he could say was, "Dude, that's awesome!"