Dog Days of Summer Gets Real

Gardner Station,TN- There wasn't a dry eye in the house as the heroic tale was recounted in The Upper Left Tennessee Holy Lord Missionary Congregational Tabernacle of Holiness.  Deacon Blues gave a concerted effort to orate the epic story of undoubtedly the greatest canine rescue mission in Weakley county history. One family, one dog. Most people will go their entire lifetime and never even pretend to know the courage and tenacity of the Richwine-Gardner Puppy reconnaissance mission of June 2018.
     Jennifer Yager, no relation, decided haphazardly to buy a pair of Great Pyrenees puppies on Friday, June 29. Her husband, a kindhearted, quiet fellow, had advised that they secure the area where the young dogs would cohabitate with equine creatures. Throwing caution to the wind, lady Yager filled up a sock with Valencia oranges and beat her poor husband mercilessly. She also told him how stupid his idea was and that when he regained consciousness, he should collect his teeth and go to bed.
     All seemed fine until the next afternoon, when it came to the attention  of the Yagers that one of the pups had pulled a Houdini move from the horse field. With a fully equipped platoon of rag-tag soldiers of fortune and a budget of $600 million, the search commenced. Armed with only a desire for success and an anonymous phone tip, tensions ran high as the militia descended upon the neighborhood in question. Not long after, an officer by the name of Johnny Richwine (pictured below)

had employed sophisticated night-vision goggles and infrared surveillance technology. This effort coupled with a state of the art global positioning system gave Mr Richwine unbridled confidence in assessing that the canine juvenile had attempted amateur spelunking in a nearby culvert. Within nanoseconds, Richwine, under the careful and diligent supervision of Spec Ops overlord James Allen Gardner, began his descent into the underworld of northwestern Weakley county. "This is taking forever!, exclaimed an angered Mrs Yager, only 12 seconds after the start of the mission. Moments later, the flicker from Richwine's LED headlamp

began to surface, with a frightened young dog in tow.
     After the rescue, a press conference was held at the dilapidated Gardner Community Center. The main topic was obviously the amazing rescue that had just transpired, yet someone from the back of the room kept asking about when the county was going to tow away and destroy a beaten down, rusted out, hunk of junk, green Ford Mustang left abandoned next door to the Gardner United Methodist Church. The protagonist of this piece, young Mr Johnny Richwine (pictured here)

, took questions from countless media outlets for what some believed to be 5 hours. The community is forever indebted to this humble hero for his bravery.  

Driver ok, County pride Not-So-Much

Martin, TN- As many as 7 people were slightly inconvenienced today when a car struck numerous buildings and other items in downtown Martin. The incident occurred on Lindell St. The driver, known in some parts as 'Lead foot Ann', was last seen pulling a few items from her newly smashed Dodge Caliber and running towards The Opera House. And who could blame her? Their fried crawfish tails are divine. You know, I celebrate their entire menu.
Anyway, the cause of the accident is at this time still unknown, yet an initial report from an anonymous source has been released. According to this report, there are some dangerous and ramp-like bridge transitions on US45e north of town. The driver, abiding the speed limit, hit her head and became concussed while traveling over these very unsafe transitions. Our calls to the presiding county commissioner went answered.
     Almost as bewildering as this accident, it is worth noting that just beyond these perilous and undeniably treacherous road hazards lies Obion county, where they were able to easily fix their bridge transitions into a seemingly smooth roadway experience.

Road name changed to win argument

Old Hickory, TN- No one is perfect. Sometimes we say things without being fully sure of what's what. Such is the case with Sirk Ager, local heartthrob and trophy boyfriend to Goodlettsville belle Kirstie Sunn.
     It all began 2 years ago when the couple were conversing about routes around the city. Sirk had recently moved to the area and was still trying to learn the highway structure, especially after Kirstie emasculated him and made him weep for hours when she realized he had lived here for one month. Things turned for the worse when Sirk unknowingly told her that his sister uses Briley Parkway to get to work downtown. After beating him unmercifully for hours with a tube sock full of golf balls, Kirstie roared with laughter and informed Sirk that he was, in fact, a dumbass.
     Was Sirk wrong? Of course, no one could successfully dispute that. The fact that he didn't know any better didn't save him from the unending emotional trauma and vicious physical attacks. When word of this misunderstanding garnered national media attention, a few million enlightened citizens stood up to help.
     The fine citizens of the Nashville metro area gathered 2 million signatures on a petition, which demands the mayor change the name of Ellington Pkway to Briley Pkway for at least 24 hours. The petition also demands that Kirstie be forced to ride standing up through the sunroof of a vehicle while traversing the newly named route a minimum of 8 times.
     The petition is slated to arrive on the mayor's desk by Friday, where it will undoubtedly be approved, despite the $439,500 price tag for changing all the signs. More to come on this story as it unfolds.

Infiniti model sinks to new low

Ottumwa, IA-  Shockwaves ran through the auto industry today as a new study relating vehicle model to type of person was released by the Center for Rich Aging People. CRAP releases their annual report in an attempt to save those who are well off from making a mistake regarding 'how long is too long' to be seen in a particular vehicle.
     The most surprising entry into the study this year was the Infiniti FX. Apparently, owning any year of this model has made the list this year. The report goes on to suggest that the car's sultry curves and smartly designed interior are simply not enough to keep this model relevant in today's market. Agency spokesperson Kermit DeFraug announced 'These cars, although once deemed exquisite by many, are simply not as cool as they were 5 years ago. Then, the FX gave off the vibe 'Look world! I'm an up-and-coming military officer! Now it only seems right as a 'Hey, my brother gave me this ride, despite it still having a decent trade-in value. At least this way, he doesn't have to be embarrassed driving it to a dealership.'

     Some critics have dismissed DeFraug's words as shenanigans, even while the market appears to have shown a sharp decline in women interested in men who own an FX. 

Culprits Identified in Target security breach

Corpus Christie, TX-  A group of 4th graders working on a science fair project today were able to easily identify the "who" and "where" of the ongoing Target fiasco, where up to 70 million Target shoppers have had their personal and financial information stolen and sold abroad. The scandal begin to erupt during the Christmas shopping season in December, and Target has been scrambling to recover and regroup ever since. Before the Target incident, it was just assumed by most consumers that their information was treated with the utmost security in mind.  Even though the breach has only been exposed at Target, other companies are feeling the aftermath, having to do what they can to convince shoppers that it won't happen at their stores. Experts and people not qualified for anything have speculated that perhaps the Target breach was an inside job, yet scientists studying the mating rituals of penguins in Antarctica believe it could anyone, including the shoppers themselves.
     Those useless accusations and ridiculous notions will have to bury themselves among other idiotic conspiracy theories, as the 4th graders from Ms. Grames' class at Squidworth Elementary uncovered a massive, neck-deep, unsavory, ruthless, diabolical, downright evil plot by none other than the Wal-Mart home office Janitorial/Maintenance department.  It was there in Bentonville, AR where La Mont Frallingford and Dee Jay Menkins collaborated and then initiated a clever plan to make millions, bring more business to their already thriving employer, and kill some time before the beginning of the NFL Playoffs. Charges have not yet been filed in this matter. A greeter at a nearby store declined to comment on this story or greet shoppers entering that store. Stay tuned for updates and more.

Weather in Middle Tennessee Claims Many Lives

Hendersonville, TN-  The arctic freeze that has gripped over half the country this week has perhaps surprised the kindhearted citizenry of Nashville more-so than other municipalities. People in Detroit, for example, are not shy about vocalizing their discontent for the cold, yet they are no stranger to it. The city of Nashville, and its surrounding metro except for White House(which sits high atop a ridge) are not familiar with such cold extremes. Too bad, exclaims Mother Nature, as Nash-Vegas, coined by queers who have obviously never been to Las Vegas, succumbed to record low temps and bone-chilling wind.
     Ursula Moss, an elementary teacher, told reporters," after my neighbor refused to let her daughter play outside with my possessed child, I instantly jumped on Facebook to paint a picture that I, too, am a caring and intelligent parent. I wonder if anyone bought it." Yuri Zager, familiar with Moss, said "Moss is full of shit. She might be a decent teacher, but I mean, come on. Schools have been out for 2 weeks now. Why hasn't she updated grades and progression on the website? What a lazy, confused bitch." It might also be worth noting that Zager is President of the Passive-Aggressive Coalition of Americans for More Swearing.

One thing is certain, the next Taylor Swift song damned sure better mention someone's cold heart senselessly butchering her innocent persona. And does anyone else find it funny that the state most caught off guard by such an intense winter is home to Al Gore, inventor of global warming and the Internet? Maybe a little ironic..

True Revealed! Why Nancy Grace is a Narcissistic Bitch

Bumblescrum, AK-  Researchers have finally been able to end a 7 year-long study as to what causes self-proclaimed celebrity lawyer-turned-reporter Nancy Grace to be such an annoying, man-hating, stuck-up, undesirable nut case.  Over the years many have speculated as to the reasons why Grace has become an overly ridiculous, self-defeating, pompous douche, and it will comfort a great number of people to know for certain what makes this succubus "tick".

                                                                                                As seen in this pre-op photo, Nancy Grace originally won over the hearts of millions by compassionately bringing light to heartstring-pulling stories, such as murders and child abductions. She made a name for herself by reporting with emotion and a sense of realism. Things took a turn for the worst when Grace went in for mandatory/elective rhinoplasty. Days after the procedure, a blind man heard her voice and proclaimed she was absolutely the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. An angry mob ensued and viciously dismembered the man, feeding his body to stray dogs.  Unfortunately, the seed had already been planted and Grace began to think her fecal matter possessed no odor. 

Sources close to Ms. Grace reluctantly point out that she has a bladder incontinence issue, and therefore cannot maintain an intimate relationship with anyone under 75.  Another source disclosed that Grace is an only child, and therefore was never told to "shut up" when she definitely should have been.  All this information is fine and dandy, but the research concluded only one thing, perhaps the most compelling piece to this puzzle; Nancy Grace, beloved bitch on wheels, was born into this world Nathaniel Greise.  There, we said it. And now you know the rest of the story....

Sub-par the New Par

Bentonville, AR- Tears of joy and screams of elation filled the homes of elitist liberals over the weekend as the dream of a "nanny state" have become more likely a reality than a fantasy. A source close to the Illuminati said Friday that the secret mega-rich dominance driven group is oh-so excited whenever they hear stories about lower class Americans crying for a higher minimum wage.  Conservative groups are crying foul, unsuccessfully countering this movement by reminding Americans that with hard work, determination, and education, a worker can "climb the ladder" and that minimum wage jobs are merely a launching pad in the workforce.
     "I can't live on my own and raise my 6 children with a $8hr job", states Janice Browerman. "Even with WIC, food stamps, Section 8, and the numerous church food pantries I visit weekly, it's tough. What do they expect us to do? Not have children until we are fiscally responsible? Focus on education and get a better job? Whatever."  Janice represents the sentiment of many Americans out there, holding hands out to receive help as opposed to improving their situation.
     Independent political groups are weighing in on this subject as well. James Middleton, toilet-brush magnate and bathroom entrepreneur, suggests that the solution needs to come from both sides of the aisle in Washington. "It's quite simple, really. If you could get the left to curb their extremism, and the right to curb their extremism, then you have an environment where legitimate solutions would flourish and just maybe, society could emulate the Congress and stop the madness."  Unfortunately, Middleton was severely beaten to death by congressional toilet brushes soon after making that statement. Extremists on both sides took credit for the killing. 

Doppelganger Alert! Underground papparazi exposes theory that Winona Ryder and Lisa Bonet are the same person!

Crawford, NE- Heads spun in Hollywood today when the bombshell accusation flew that Winona Ryder and Lisa Bonet are actually the same person. Most people associate Ryder with hit movies like Beetlejuice(1986) and Heathers(1989), although she has been involved in many more films. Lisa Bonet is probably best known for her work on The Cosby Show, yet she did appear in several films such as Enemy of the State and High Fidelity. Rumors of them being the same person flowed rampantly after two people were arguing while in line at Starbucks. Sources familiar with the Starbucks were unable to identify either person arguing, but upon further investigation they determined that one of the guys yelling was toting a satchel/purse thingy. Here at NSN, we can't call it; you decide.

  

Someone lost an eye, Fun and Games canceled

Hastings, NE- Tragedy struck the Phaggett household early Saturday morning when Bubba Joe Phaggett, pictured below, was stabbed in the eye from an errant lawn dart thrown by his nephew, Bart Phaggett. Ordered to play outside by Mrs. Ima Phaggett, Bubba and Bart decided to play a version of "Chicken" with the lawn darts. The objective of the game was to stand still about 30 ft away from the opposing player as that player hurls the dart at the other player. Points are earned by not flinching and bonus points are awarded for not moving when struck by the dart. Late in the seventh round, things were looking good for Bubba, who had amassed a 175 point lead over Bart. Sensing the upcoming loss and the gloom that comes with it, young Bart decided to give it his all and aimed for an upper-body shot on Bubba. The trajectory of the throw was impressive- a beautiful spiral destined for glory! Bubba stood stoic, confident that Bart's throw was going to sail over his head. Unfortunately, the dart struck the pupil of Bubba's right eye and burrowed into his eye socket. Bubba fell to the ground screaming, garnering the attention of Ima who immediately called for an ambulance. Meanwhile, Bart was still celebrating the come from behind victory by dancing and screaming with glee. Ima yelled for him to come over to her, where she chastised him for his deed and informed him that he was to spend the rest of the day locked in the storm shelter. It was at that moment that Bart realized his fun was over. 

Bubba Joe, seen after the accident.