Road name changed to win argument

Old Hickory, TN- No one is perfect. Sometimes we say things without being fully sure of what's what. Such is the case with Sirk Ager, local heartthrob and trophy boyfriend to Goodlettsville belle Kirstie Sunn.
     It all began 2 years ago when the couple were conversing about routes around the city. Sirk had recently moved to the area and was still trying to learn the highway structure, especially after Kirstie emasculated him and made him weep for hours when she realized he had lived here for one month. Things turned for the worse when Sirk unknowingly told her that his sister uses Briley Parkway to get to work downtown. After beating him unmercifully for hours with a tube sock full of golf balls, Kirstie roared with laughter and informed Sirk that he was, in fact, a dumbass.
     Was Sirk wrong? Of course, no one could successfully dispute that. The fact that he didn't know any better didn't save him from the unending emotional trauma and vicious physical attacks. When word of this misunderstanding garnered national media attention, a few million enlightened citizens stood up to help.
     The fine citizens of the Nashville metro area gathered 2 million signatures on a petition, which demands the mayor change the name of Ellington Pkway to Briley Pkway for at least 24 hours. The petition also demands that Kirstie be forced to ride standing up through the sunroof of a vehicle while traversing the newly named route a minimum of 8 times.
     The petition is slated to arrive on the mayor's desk by Friday, where it will undoubtedly be approved, despite the $439,500 price tag for changing all the signs. More to come on this story as it unfolds.

Weather in Middle Tennessee Claims Many Lives

Hendersonville, TN-  The arctic freeze that has gripped over half the country this week has perhaps surprised the kindhearted citizenry of Nashville more-so than other municipalities. People in Detroit, for example, are not shy about vocalizing their discontent for the cold, yet they are no stranger to it. The city of Nashville, and its surrounding metro except for White House(which sits high atop a ridge) are not familiar with such cold extremes. Too bad, exclaims Mother Nature, as Nash-Vegas, coined by queers who have obviously never been to Las Vegas, succumbed to record low temps and bone-chilling wind.
     Ursula Moss, an elementary teacher, told reporters," after my neighbor refused to let her daughter play outside with my possessed child, I instantly jumped on Facebook to paint a picture that I, too, am a caring and intelligent parent. I wonder if anyone bought it." Yuri Zager, familiar with Moss, said "Moss is full of shit. She might be a decent teacher, but I mean, come on. Schools have been out for 2 weeks now. Why hasn't she updated grades and progression on the website? What a lazy, confused bitch." It might also be worth noting that Zager is President of the Passive-Aggressive Coalition of Americans for More Swearing.

One thing is certain, the next Taylor Swift song damned sure better mention someone's cold heart senselessly butchering her innocent persona. And does anyone else find it funny that the state most caught off guard by such an intense winter is home to Al Gore, inventor of global warming and the Internet? Maybe a little ironic..