True Revealed! Why Nancy Grace is a Narcissistic Bitch

Bumblescrum, AK-  Researchers have finally been able to end a 7 year-long study as to what causes self-proclaimed celebrity lawyer-turned-reporter Nancy Grace to be such an annoying, man-hating, stuck-up, undesirable nut case.  Over the years many have speculated as to the reasons why Grace has become an overly ridiculous, self-defeating, pompous douche, and it will comfort a great number of people to know for certain what makes this succubus "tick".

                                                                                                As seen in this pre-op photo, Nancy Grace originally won over the hearts of millions by compassionately bringing light to heartstring-pulling stories, such as murders and child abductions. She made a name for herself by reporting with emotion and a sense of realism. Things took a turn for the worst when Grace went in for mandatory/elective rhinoplasty. Days after the procedure, a blind man heard her voice and proclaimed she was absolutely the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. An angry mob ensued and viciously dismembered the man, feeding his body to stray dogs.  Unfortunately, the seed had already been planted and Grace began to think her fecal matter possessed no odor. 

Sources close to Ms. Grace reluctantly point out that she has a bladder incontinence issue, and therefore cannot maintain an intimate relationship with anyone under 75.  Another source disclosed that Grace is an only child, and therefore was never told to "shut up" when she definitely should have been.  All this information is fine and dandy, but the research concluded only one thing, perhaps the most compelling piece to this puzzle; Nancy Grace, beloved bitch on wheels, was born into this world Nathaniel Greise.  There, we said it. And now you know the rest of the story....

Sub-par the New Par

Bentonville, AR- Tears of joy and screams of elation filled the homes of elitist liberals over the weekend as the dream of a "nanny state" have become more likely a reality than a fantasy. A source close to the Illuminati said Friday that the secret mega-rich dominance driven group is oh-so excited whenever they hear stories about lower class Americans crying for a higher minimum wage.  Conservative groups are crying foul, unsuccessfully countering this movement by reminding Americans that with hard work, determination, and education, a worker can "climb the ladder" and that minimum wage jobs are merely a launching pad in the workforce.
     "I can't live on my own and raise my 6 children with a $8hr job", states Janice Browerman. "Even with WIC, food stamps, Section 8, and the numerous church food pantries I visit weekly, it's tough. What do they expect us to do? Not have children until we are fiscally responsible? Focus on education and get a better job? Whatever."  Janice represents the sentiment of many Americans out there, holding hands out to receive help as opposed to improving their situation.
     Independent political groups are weighing in on this subject as well. James Middleton, toilet-brush magnate and bathroom entrepreneur, suggests that the solution needs to come from both sides of the aisle in Washington. "It's quite simple, really. If you could get the left to curb their extremism, and the right to curb their extremism, then you have an environment where legitimate solutions would flourish and just maybe, society could emulate the Congress and stop the madness."  Unfortunately, Middleton was severely beaten to death by congressional toilet brushes soon after making that statement. Extremists on both sides took credit for the killing. 

Doppelganger Alert! Underground papparazi exposes theory that Winona Ryder and Lisa Bonet are the same person!

Crawford, NE- Heads spun in Hollywood today when the bombshell accusation flew that Winona Ryder and Lisa Bonet are actually the same person. Most people associate Ryder with hit movies like Beetlejuice(1986) and Heathers(1989), although she has been involved in many more films. Lisa Bonet is probably best known for her work on The Cosby Show, yet she did appear in several films such as Enemy of the State and High Fidelity. Rumors of them being the same person flowed rampantly after two people were arguing while in line at Starbucks. Sources familiar with the Starbucks were unable to identify either person arguing, but upon further investigation they determined that one of the guys yelling was toting a satchel/purse thingy. Here at NSN, we can't call it; you decide.

  

Someone lost an eye, Fun and Games canceled

Hastings, NE- Tragedy struck the Phaggett household early Saturday morning when Bubba Joe Phaggett, pictured below, was stabbed in the eye from an errant lawn dart thrown by his nephew, Bart Phaggett. Ordered to play outside by Mrs. Ima Phaggett, Bubba and Bart decided to play a version of "Chicken" with the lawn darts. The objective of the game was to stand still about 30 ft away from the opposing player as that player hurls the dart at the other player. Points are earned by not flinching and bonus points are awarded for not moving when struck by the dart. Late in the seventh round, things were looking good for Bubba, who had amassed a 175 point lead over Bart. Sensing the upcoming loss and the gloom that comes with it, young Bart decided to give it his all and aimed for an upper-body shot on Bubba. The trajectory of the throw was impressive- a beautiful spiral destined for glory! Bubba stood stoic, confident that Bart's throw was going to sail over his head. Unfortunately, the dart struck the pupil of Bubba's right eye and burrowed into his eye socket. Bubba fell to the ground screaming, garnering the attention of Ima who immediately called for an ambulance. Meanwhile, Bart was still celebrating the come from behind victory by dancing and screaming with glee. Ima yelled for him to come over to her, where she chastised him for his deed and informed him that he was to spend the rest of the day locked in the storm shelter. It was at that moment that Bart realized his fun was over. 

Bubba Joe, seen after the accident.

Miami Dolphins coach's choice of glassware explained

Wasilla, AK- After much confusion and many sleepless nights of research, officials at the Pentagon released their complete, unabridged report on why Tony Sparano, head coach of the Miami Dolphins, wears sunglasses during every game and team related functions. The 23,400 page report outlines exactly the reasons Sparano chooses to wear the tinted shades, even at night. Contrary to an earlier conspiracy theory that suggested Sparano's future was so bright that he had no choice but to wear shades, lab documents confirm that Sparano dons the dollar store sunglasses so that he doesn't have to witness the many failings of the Dolphins' season, including Brandon Marshall dropping perfectly thrown passes. A close friend, who must remain anonymous due to the sensitivity of this bombshell, announced to our staff that Sparano likes to wear shades to all the games because he's completely baked on marijuana. In fact, this source claimed that at the last game, where Miami played host to the New York Jets, Tony was so high that he thought the Dolphins won. We caught up with Tony and when we asked him about the Pentagon's report and the accusation of drug abuse, all he could say was, "Dude, that's awesome!"

Weinergate just the Beginning

   Odell, NE: The scandal involving Rep. Anthony Weiner and several women via Internet and Twitter is all the rage for the mainstream media at the moment. The GOP is calling for his resignation, while Pelosi and co. are starting the investigation process. Here at NSN, we find this hilarious and ironic. Is it really a surprise that someone named Weiner would send a woman a pic of his, well, wiener? If you are even slightly creative, picture this: imagine the second after he sent that photo. Wait, did I just send that to over 40,000 people? Oh, man, to be a fly on the wall in that room! Too funny!
     Rep. Weiner should probably do the right thing and resign. Lying to the public is nothing new for politicians, but when you're caught, you're caught. This will follow him indefinitely. At least if he resigns, he can sway the spotlight away from him somewhat. Good leaders know when to lead; great leaders know when to follow. Right now, Weiner is doing neither. We wonder what his wife thinks of all this. How do you continue a marital relationship with someone you know likes to meet people online? He is vigilant in stating that he had no intentions of ever meeting these women in person, but isn't his credibility shot?
     Countless jokes and shtick have appeared almost everywhere, from late night talk shows to casual water-cooler chit-chat. We're just not that surprised that someone named Weiner would snap a pic of his junk and send it to people. Our attention is focused on some other congressional members with weird names and the possible scandals to arise in due time. We've listed a few here, and if we missed someone, send us an email.

  Phillip Chode(D) Minnesota:  Someone will have to help him take a quality picture here, but stay tuned. We give this one a year or less to materialize. The best thing to come out of this will be "chode" entering the dictionary with the appropriate definition.

  Richard "Dick" Rammin(I) Texas:  Rammin is no stranger to scandals. He somehow survived a vicious scandal in high school, where he was rumored to have sodomized the school mascot at New Braunfels High School. One thing is clear; he likes sodomy and/or he likes unicorns. You make the call.

  Rick Santorum(R) California:  We don't even feel the need to speculate here. If you're not familiar with what the word santorum means, we suggest a quick google search(NSFW).

      

 

Sound Heard at Night Ends Up Being Nothing

   Grayson, CT: Erma Jo Linden was frightened last night about 10PM as she swore she heard something stirring in the backyard of her family's backyard. After repeated jabs to side, her husband rose out of the bed and went to investigate. Armed with a fully loaded AR-15, some suntan lotion, and a pack of graham crackers, Jeb Linden descended the staircase slowly in anticipation of seeing something. After an exhaustive search, Jeb found nothing. Knowing how paranoid his wife is, he unloaded the clip of the AR on an unsuspecting garden gnome. He then retired to the bedroom and described an intense stand-off between himself and a rag-tag gang of raccoons hellbent on world domination one garden at a time. Satisfied, Erma Jo dozed off to sleep and all was still at the Linden house, until of course the local sheriff arrived at the scene around 4:30AM investigating the shots fired. Jeb was taken into custody and threatened his wife by saying there would be "hell to pay" if she didn't bail him out and serve him a wonderful breakfast.    

Doomsday Prognosticator Off By One Day

  Rancho Cucamonga, CA: The world turned as usual on Saturday, May 21st. Some people partied, others went to work. Some just simply enjoyed the weekend as they had planned. A few, inspired by Harold Camping's delusional ideology, spent what they thought were their last hours spreading their misguided message. Then 6 o'clock pm struck: nothing happened.
     Camping, a retired civil engineer, has been here before. He believed the end was near in 1994, prompting him to write a book about the events that were to take place. Sadly, some people are just born stupid and Camping, officially nominated 2011's "False Prophet of the Year" front-runner, was able to amass vulnerable, simpleton groups of lost souls to once again spread the word of the earth's impending doom. Camping claimed to have used scripture and mathematics to obtain May 21st, 2011 as the 7,000 year anniversary of the flood in which Noah built the ark and saved 2 of every animal. He was quoted on television as saying there was no way that the rapture wasn't going to happen. Unfortunately, and again, he was wrong.
     People that claim to be devout in a quest for spiritual enlightenment probably saw this coming. Although we here at NSN have no use for any version of a bible, we spoke to Dr. Natas Kappas, a professor in theology at the Blessed Earth Seminary and Vacation Bible House. He began our interview laughing at the notion that the rapture would take place in accordance with time zones and move along in such a pattern.  Dr. Natas was quick to point out that even though he now believes most of the New Testament to be a complete forgery, the books throughout the bible spell out in easy to understand terms that NO ONE here on earth would, could, or will ever know when God is to return and start the Armageddon. Some versions take it a step further and suggest that even Jesus or the Holy Spirit do not and will not know of this event of all events. Dr. Natas also pointed out that the scripture warns of men falsely representing themselves as men of God.  Some verses suggest that men will try to predict when and where the earth's final days will take place. We'd like to point out that the punishment for such atrocities back in those times was death.
     What is most hilarious about all this doomsday propaganda is how senile believers signed up and paid money for pet care after the rapture. Take a minute if you have it and Google pet care after the rapture: many sites come up, promising to care for your pets should you be amongst the saved.  If you were certain that you were not heading to heaven, you could join several pages on Facebook of rag-tag organizations planning great looting and squatting parties. 
     Predictions can be fun. We here at NSN have some you might want to take note of:


 May 22nd, 2011: Harold Camping is taken out of his home by penniless former followers and beaten to death.


 May 23rd, 2011: The US government still is riddled with corruption and greed as Republicans and Democrats continue the fight to determine who gets to cause the collapse of the country.


 Feb. 12, 2012: Gold hits $5400 as many foreign countries decide to return to a resource-based currency. 

 March 7th, 2012: Glenn Beck, in a heart-felt press release, confirms that even though they differ on their political beliefs, he finds Al Gore so damn sexy and he shares with reporters pictures of an ice cave in Norway where the two are to marry and live out their days sodomizing each other until the heat from their passion truly creates Global Warming.


 June 12th, 2012: Upset that often their drive-thru orders are completely screwed up, many Americans vow to "look in the bag" at the window before pulling away to make sure they got what they paid for.


 June 13th, 2012: The same idiots forgot what they vowed yesterday and got a fish sandwich instead of the faux meat McRib they were looking forward to.

 December 22, 2012: Americans stare out of their windows in disbelief as the world continues its course despite them having watched movies and reading fictitious books about how the 21st was supposed to be the last time they went to their jobs they hate. The rest of the world laughs, as they knew it was only the end of the Mayan calendar cycle, and a new cycle begins.






     You heard it here first, folks. Mark your calendars, start your office pools. And have a super day.    

Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" actually a Battle Cry to Transexuals (Opinion)

   Gainesville, FL: Musical acts come and go. One hit wonders line the charts. Teen sensations take the music by storm and then eventually fizzle. However, Lady Gaga's meteoric rise has many, many people talking. Some love her style and creativity. Others are mesmerized by her flamboyant videos and clothing preferences. Others paint a picture of an overnight celebrity now desperately clinging to fame by recycling others' works. The list goes on and on.
   Now, "Born This Way" enters the scene. This video is most interesting, almost a poster child for anorexia or maybe that looking filthy is the new "in". Watch the video here if you haven't seen it. The intro suggests that Gaga is goo-goo for George Lucas or Star Wars© in general.
   Once the music actually starts, so does the time machine. A worked-over rebuilt Madonna's "Express Yourself" is the first thing to come to mind. The video could suggest that Lady Gaga might have been born Lord Gaga.

  Editor's Prediction: More close calls with plagiarism or copyright infringement to come from Lady Gaga.
  

Birthers Explained

  Reading, PA: For years now, marginally educated Tea Party members have enjoyed regurgitating the Obama birth certificate issue. They claim that because he hasn't publicly shown his birth certificate, he is ineligible for the office of the President. It's also reported that they insist Pluto is still a planet, yet that is another issue for another article.
    In an attempt to educate those otherwise unknowing of the constitution, DNP chairman Beau Dega released this memo: "Allow me to recite the passage of the constitution regarding this issue. No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States." The GOP declined comment, but it was overheard at a diaper-changing station in a bathroom at McDonald's that the Republican party was considering going door to door in a effort to teach Tea Party members how to read.